The Mall by Richie Tankersley Cusick, 1992

Grade: Irrelevant!

Aha, it's been a while since I was snowed by a book or movie that was purporting to be Phantom-related but turned out not to be, hasn't it? I blame well-meaning friends in this case, who presented the book as a novelization of the 1989 Friedman/Rydall film. While it is in fact a laughably awful horror tale about a girl being stalked by a mall-dweller, there is no actual Phantom relation in the story beyond the guy's propensity for watching the girl from behind mirrors.

For those that are curious, however, it is an impressive tour of ellipsis and dash abuse, both innocent punctuation marks used with liberal, gluttonous abandon to simulate suspense. I was unaware that you could manhandle both with such incredible efficiency, but there it is. The characters are sure to make you wish fondly for an ice pick--which is lucky, because this mall, much like the 1989 film's insane mall, helpfully sells those.

Dude, I need to live somewhere that has these Temple of Doom malls. I feel like I'm missing out on a whole urban culture.

I promise, cross my heart, that the next book is totally relevant. Sorry about that, folks.